Well, my dear husband would probably like the answer to this question, also. His Alecia has been missing in action....I just spent the last week in loco land - crabby, critical, punishing, weepy, insecure, sleepless, and generally a pain in the ass. Oh, and did I mention, sleepless with incessant thinking, thinking, thinking stupid things that keep me awake.
This happens on occasion and it seems to happen about this time of year if it is going to happen. I have a birthday tomorrow and I always think it has something to do with the trauma I experienced on my 10th birthday when I got exactly the doll I had asked for - then spent the day crying - because I realized I was getting too old for dolls. I was growing up. Childhood was a remnant of a distant past. Now, turning 56, I still have the same feeling. Only this time, I feel like a body that doesn't jiggle is a remnant of the distant past. Eyelids that are taught against the skull are a remnant of a distant past.
Then there is just the whole change thing - the change of seasons - which, for me, means that Lee moves back to wherever he lives and I start my bi-coastal (which may really be more bi-polar) lifestyle. My daughter, Isabelle, goes to Spain for a year next week. A year! My son starts teaching hoodlums in Houston with Teach for America on Monday. (Okay that is harsh, but I like the alliteration.) My life is nothing if not a big ball of change. I've also been ridiculously busy and generally falling apart.
So I had the good sense to call my acupuncturist (Dr. Chris Hafner of Crocus Hill Clinic in Saint Paul, Minnesota and just a gem of doctor - www.crocushillacupuncture.com.) He told me that my chi was pretty strong, but that it was stuck - like too many cars funneling onto one highway - it just backs up. And feelings can be explosive (duh!) and agitated. So, he told me he would give me the Mafia treatment. Now, I am not sure what that is, but I think it is a reference to "a hit." Like, the treatment is like "a hit" to the blockage - just wipes it out. Well, I was very relaxed on the table. And later that night, Isabelle noticed the profound change. "Yeah, you should have seen her a couple of days ago," she said to a friend.
Today I flew to New York with Lee to start his second year of teaching at the Rudolf Steiner School in Manhattan. I tagged along because I like it here and am trying to figure out how to spend even more time here with Lee. And because, quite frankly, I needed a change of scenery. Well, I am so relaxed here in NY that I am concerned Dr. Hafner might have overdone the Mafia Treatment. I can find nothing to complain about. I don't need a thing that I don't have. I am not comparing myself to all the 20-something, chic women I see here on the streets. I was happy to just sit in our little apartment tonight reading after going for a very simple late lunch. I took a nap and slept, which may be the first time I have done that in 10 years. Really. Now, my husband thinks Alecia is still missing in action because he does not know this me, either.
But I'm going to run with it for awhile. I like this me better than the other one.